New years resolutions are never easy, and often hard to hold on to – if not outright unattainable. So, to reassure the little people that even those of fame, fortune, and power set goals that are just as silly as the rest of us, here is a random list of resolutions set forth by the kind of people tabloids follow*.

*The accuracy of this list is debatable, but seriously - Who cares what they ACTUALLY said they’d do this year?

• Robert Downey, Jr.: I promise to stay clean and sob- Ahhhh! Spiders! Get them off!!
• Alec Baldwin: I must actually find facts to back up my politically charged assertions
• Jennifer Lopez: I must come up with *some* way to get people to notice me.
• Jaimie Lynn Spears: I will convince people that I am not my sister – I will mess up my life at an even earlier age than she.  
• Calista Flockhart: Shed the extra quarter of a pound gained during holiday season from eating that half slice of summer sausage.
• David Letterman: Less “goofy” - more “wacky.”
• Bill Clinton: Turn the White House back into a Hooters
• Samuel L. Jackson: Try to mix in a ****’n expletive every now and then.
• Catherine Zeta-Jones: Figure out how to get that “old person smell” out of everything I own.
• George W. Bush: Learn one presidential-type thing every day, starting with memorizing my Beers of the World poster.

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