[Webmaster's note: This article is a joke. It's kind of like "April Fools" but without the "April Fools". Got it? Please do not take it too seriously.]

[Webmaster's other note: We really are looking for writers.] 

At an emergency meeting held on Monday, March 10, 2008; senior staffers at the Compass Newspaper have decided to call it quits. After being in publication for sixty-two years, it just seems that there just isn’t any news left to cover. “Well, I didn’t think this would ever happen, but it actually seems as though we really have covered every event. There is just not enough new information coming in to keep students interested,” shares News Editor Jaron Kallowitz. When asked about who would cover the sporting events and other such campus goings on, Kallowitz replied “It’s called a press release, they have them on the website.” Sensing a bit of hostility in the air, no more questions were asked.

After a bit of further investigation, it was discovered that there were indeed enough events to be covered, it was a lack of reporters to cover such events…a lack of human reporters that is. At first, it may seem like a mere coincidence that the majority of senior staffers are a computer science and/or engineering major; however, after trying to get a closer look at this bit of information, many concerned students were shooed  away. “Get out of here, there is nothing to investigate. We are The Compass, we do the investigating!” Was the main answer heard from Editor-in-Chief Perry Banelli.

When students, names withheld, were finally able to enter the premises, and do a bit of researching (with or without permission is unknown) it was discovered that The Compass actually used homemade robots to do the reporting for them. When confronted with this newly found information, a senior staff spokesperson replied that there just weren’t enough students vying for positions on the writing staff, and the senior staff used the “ro-perters” as a last resort.

Why it is that The Compass is calling it quits then? Apparently, the “ro-perters” are being stretched too thin. Too much is being expected of them, and their wires are getting frazzled. Many of them have short-circuited, and once again, the senior staff is left without writers. “With no one to write the articles, potentially, we have no choice but to shut down,” Explains Perry Banelli. This sounds like a cry for help. If anyone would like to help to save The Compass, please, by all means, stop by the office and fill out an application form.