THIS IS A JOKE. It is part of our April Fools Day edition.

Attention all Lake State Students!  You better turn in your books and fill out some transfer applications, because Lake Superior State University is going out of business!  President of the University, Dr. Bradley Cowan, explained why in a one-on-one interview last Monday.

“There are many reasons a University would decide to close the educational doors; some Universities close due to financial strains, lack of state funding, etc.  However, the reason behind Lake State’s closing?  Well, that’s due to personal reasons on my part.”

What exactly are those reasons?  Our staff had a difficult time reaching any sort of proof on the information, however, word of mouth says that Dr. Cowan “lost his mind and decided to close the campus on a whim.” 

Students have reacted in an uproar.  Steve McMan not so calmly exclaimed, “If my degree is going to be useless-I’m supposed to graduate the end of the semester-then I will be highly upset!  We students work hard for our degrees, and these “personal reasons” that Dr. Cowan is citing are absolute bologna!”

Professors are also distraught by the decision.  A hysterical Dr. Martha Hart sobbed, “How am I supposed to feed my family if I don’t have a paycheck?! Did you know that he didn’t even give us warning?  I had to hear it on the radio station when I was on my way to work last week!” 

Unfortunately, students, faculty, and staff alike have a major issue.  All degrees, pensions, and benefits will be deemed useless come May; alum are at risk, too, seeing as how the news of the degrees being useless will leak to businesses across the nation.

The best advice anyone can give right now, ironically, comes from Dr. Cowan, “I strongly urge all of you to do your best and succeed in new locations.   Transfer to new Universities and show them the brains and passion that each of you possess. I have faith in all of you.”